


The Civilians

by posingasme



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Injured Castiel, Lawyer Sam Winchester, M/M, Military Background, Two Fathers, U.S. Navy SEALs, Uncle Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-03 09:39:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11529582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/posingasme/pseuds/posingasme
Summary: Sam and Castiel have been married a long time, and they have two wonderful children. But Castiel's missions with the Navy kept them separated for most of their marriage. Now that he has received his honorable discharge, they are looking forward to actually living as a family. Too bad they have no idea how to do that.





	1. Baby, we're civilians!

**Author's Note:**

> For a Tumblr Anon who wanted domestic angst-fluff with dads Sam and Cas.

The transition to civilian life was difficult for both of them, but neither wanted to admit it. Trying to find a balance in their new lives was far more of a challenge than either man had expected. 

For one thing, Castiel had spent his entire adult life in the military, and his entire childhood as a navy brat. He was excited to begin a new chapter with Sam off the base, but it quickly became clear that he didn't know how. For another, Sam had been the one running their home for their entire marriage, and he wasn't sure how to relinquish even an ounce of that control. Their kids were thrilled to have Castiel home permanently. But even they didn't seem to know how to behave in this new reality. 

The first few weeks were simply awkward. 

Sam looked up from the mail to find Castiel wandering into the kitchen. He cleared his throat. “Hey,” he said hoarsely. “Did you sleep okay? Can I make you something?”

His husband blinked at him. “I'm fine, thank you. What are those?”

He frowned and shrugged. “What?”

“Those.” Castiel pointed at his face. 

A pink flush warmed his face. “Oh. These? Just-just reading glasses. Sorry. I forgot you hadn't seen them before.”

“You only wear them for reading?”

“Yeah. I guess I'm getting old.” He laughed, but his voice was shaky. What was wrong with him? Why was he so nervous around his own husband? 

Castiel smiled and approached to embrace him. “You're not old, Sam. The glasses look good. I like them.”

“Are you two going to do that all the time now?”

The men stumbled apart, and chuckled down at the little boy with his arms crossed. Castiel knelt to address his son. “Probably,” he confessed. “I've been looking forward to hugging your daddy whenever I want to. And you too.”

Henry scoffed at this. “I don't like hugs!”

“He doesn't like hugs,” Sam confirmed, as he returned to flipping through the day's mail. 

“I love hugs! Me!”

Sam smiled. “She loves hugs.”

Castiel swept his daughter into his arms and held her tightly. “Henry can get a firm handshake, but only hugs for my sweet angel!”

It was a delight to hear Dee’s breathless giggles. It was one of Sam's favorite things about Castiel being home now, hearing him gush over their little girl. 

But he worried too. “Cas, go easy on your back, okay?”

He received a surprised glance. “She's not heavy.”

“I know. But you don't need to push your luck.”

His husband carefully placed the two year old back on her feet. “Okay. You're right. Dee, why don't you get your coloring book and Papa will color with you.”

Sam looked up again. “Uh, Cas, she needs to get ready for school.”

“She doesn't need to go to school today.”

He frowned. “Yeah. She does. So does Henry. I have to go to the office today.”

Castiel shrugged. “I'm home. They can stay with me.”

Sam could feel three sets of eyes watching him. He took a deep breath. “Right. Um...I think it's important that they stay in their routine, you know? With all the other changes, the house, moving off base, I just think…”

A hand went up. “Fine. No, that's fine. Okay, Dee-Bear. Papa will color with you this afternoon. I'll help you get ready for school.”

“I set out her clothes. They're on the dresser. And Henry's are-”

“I'll show him,” the four year old muttered. 

Sam sighed as he watched them parade out. Things were awkward but they would work themselves out. 

“Morning, Sammy,” a gruff voice murmured from the hall as the front door closed. 

Relief splashed over him, and he felt his shoulders drop. “Hey, man. You're early. Thanks.”

Dean entered the kitchen, and headed straight for the coffee machine. It had been the first thing they had set up when they moved Sam and the children into the new house last week, in anticipation of Castiel's return. “Figured if I could get the kids to preschool a little early, it would give you and Cas some time before you had to run to the office.”

“That's some suspiciously thoughtful figuring.”

He laughed and poured a cup of coffee into a travel mug. “Yeah. I'm a real peach. Also, I gotta get to the garage earlier today than usual. But that thoughtful stuff sounds better.”

“I really appreciate you taking them. I know you'd rather be driving the Impala than the Explorer, but-”

“Just a few days, till you guys have things figured out. I don't mind. Henry and me are thick as thieves.”

“Yeah, just don't teach him any thieving.”

Dean gave him a wink. “Every uncle has to teach his nephew something useful.”

“Uh huh,” Sam responded. “And then you can teach him what it's like trying to get a job after having been convicted of cat burglary.”

“I got a job.”

Sam snorted. “Yeah. The record didn't help.”

His brother's eyebrow lifted. “Well, that thank you went downhill fast.”

He set down the bills at last. “I'm sorry. I'm running on fumes. I should eat something.”

“Caffeinate,” Dean ordered as he filled a second mug. Then he grabbed a snack from the pantry to toss at his younger brother. “Proteinate.”

It made Sam laugh. “Yes, sir.” He opened the protein bar and chewed as he stared into nothing for a minute. Then he spoke softly. “It's weird having him home. I feel like crap saying that. But it's true.”

Dean nodded. “Of course it's weird. Guy's been deployed more than he hasn't. Most of your marriage has been video chatting.”

He closed his eyes. “I've missed him so much. And worrying about him night and day is so exhausting. When he got hurt…”

“I know.” Dean took a step toward his brother. Sam knew he was remembering the day his younger brother had not received his promised phone call after an operation, and had finally called his brother instead. He had driven to the base when he heard the hollowness in Sam's voice over the line, and had stayed until they learned that Castiel was alive thirty excruciating hours later. 

Sam shook himself now. “But-but he's home, for good this time, and that's what we want. It's what I've always wanted. A normal, safe life.”

Dean watched him. “Doesn't mean it's going to be easy. You need to spend the time to get to know one another again.”

He nodded, and forced a smile. “That should be the fun part, right? Except that, with the kids and work and his appointments and...I feel like we need to hit the ground running, you know?”

“You'll be fine. Do you still love him?”

His eyes flicked up to meet his brother's. “Absolutely. With all my heart.”

“He still love you?”

A soft smile lit his face. “Yeah. Yeah, he does.”

“You both love those kids.”

“Yeah.”

Then Dean began to grin, and Sam groaned. “All you need is love.”

“Dean.”

“All you need is love!”

“Stop.”

“All you need is love!”

Sam sighed. 

“Love is all you need!”

Henry tore into the room just as Sam was throwing his hands up in defeat. “I heard you singing!”

Dean caught him and held him in an embrace. “Yeah? Who wrote that song?”

“A Beatle!”

“Which one?”

“Grandpa John!”

Dean nodded. “That's right! John!” He kissed the top of Henry's head. “That's my boy!”

“Don't teach him that Dad was one of the Beatles,” Sam scolded. But as he turned, his gaze landed on an image that made him cold suddenly. “Cas?”

His husband was holding Dee’s hand, and watching Dean with Henry. Hurt, and an ounce of anger, hid in those blue eyes. But he smiled. “Hello, Dean.”

“Heya, brother!” Dean placed Henry on his feet and moved to hug his friend. 

Sam watched Castiel stiffen, but then relax and allow the familiarity. He closed his eyes briefly, then stepped apart as Dean's hug became a pounding on his back, the sign that it was over. 

“Go easy on his back, dude.”

Dean looked up. “Oh. Right.”

Castiel's jaw clenched. “I'm fine. So...you're here.”

“Taking the kids to school for a few days. I'm trying to reinforce Sam's decision to move to my town.”

“Sam's…” Castiel smiled weakly. “Yes. Well, I'm glad he did. And I'm grateful that you're offering to help out. But I could drive them.”

Henry shook his head. “Uncle Dean,” he said simply. Dee nodded her approval. 

Sam frowned. 

Castiel gave a shaky laugh. “Well, I've been outranked and outnumbered. Story of my life. Okay. You two have fun, and Papa will play with you when we all get home. Okay?”

Dee clapped her hands in delight, and Henry shrugged. 

Dean slapped his brother on the shoulder, and waved the kids along. “Come on, monkeys.”

“Did you bring the Batmobile?” Henry shouted on his way out the door. Dee hurried after them with a squeal, while Dean explained that carseats didn't fit in the Impala, so they would be taking Daddy's car. 

There was silence in the house suddenly. 

Castiel took a deep breath, and spoke in his low but quiet tone. “Please don't do that.”

Sam felt a stab of anxiety strike. “What?”

“I'm not an invalid. I'm not fragile.”

He nodded slowly. “I'm sorry. It's just Dean.”

“I don't want to…” He took another long breath. “It's embarrassing. And it feels like chastening.”

Sam's eyes widened. “No! Cas, I'm sorry! I never meant it like that!”

“I'm not a child. I can take care of myself. And telling a good friend to be careful with me...It's degrading.”

He swallowed, and nodded. “I'm sorry. But you know I didn't mean it to come out that way. I worry about you, that's all.”

Castiel lowered his gaze. “I know. And I know you don't mean anything by it. I just needed to let you know how it felt. I'm supposed to do that...right?” On the last syllable, the blue eyes lifted to question Sam. 

“Yeah.” Sam stepped forward to take his husband's hands. “Yeah. That's right. Thank you. And look. Henry will come around. He's just…”

A sad smile came over the handsome face then. “I remember boarding school, Sam. No matter how old we get, Dean will always be everyone's favorite. I accepted that nearly two decades ago.”

He laughed, and felt some of the tension ease. “Then you're only a decade behind me in that realization. And for the record?” He pressed forward into Castiel's arms to kiss him. “You were always my favorite.”

“Thank you, Sam. But if he ever has kids, I'm buying them a pony.”

They shared a chuckle at the thought. Then Sam sighed. “So Dean took the kids a little earlier than I expected. That gives me a good fifteen minutes of wiggle room in my schedule this morning.”

Castiel looked a little lost for a moment. “And I don't even have a schedule this morning,” he said with an undertone of distress. 

Sam gave him a sympathetic smile. He knew his husband was suffering without his comfortable routines. “No, Cas, I mean…”

Slowly, the man's face brightened. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh. Feel like it?”

Castiel grabbed hold of his hand and hurried them both back to the bedroom with no attempt to hide his excitement. 

Sam laughed happily. Things were going to work themselves out. He and Castiel were still utterly in love, and Dean was right. It was all they needed.


	2. Back then

Castiel would always remember the first time he had been permitted to touch Sam Winchester. It was the day he had first confessed his unequivocal, undeniable, incurable infatuation with the young man. To Dean. 

The military boarding school in New Mexico had been a family tradition for Castiel Hart, but a fulfillment of a court order for Dean Winchester. So when Castiel was assigned to the new cadet as his mentor, he wasn't expecting much. But Dean had become his best friend immediately. The disciplined, prodigious Navy brat and the charismatic, mischievous juvenile delinquent had bonded over their mutual love for excellent cheeseburgers and elaborate, harmless but hilarious pranks which could never quite be followed back to them. Castiel had taught Dean to survive in a military setting, and Dean had taught Castiel to enjoy life. It was a mutually beneficial friendship, and they had been inseparable. The Winchester and Hart duo became legendary among the cadets, both for their audacity and their impressive combat skills. 

During their two years together at school, Castiel had met Sam on several occasions. The first time, he had given the boy a tour of the academy, while Dean finished an exam, and had loved the quick wit and shy smile. The way Sam was so different from Castiel's friend, but still had that smirking sense of fun in his eyes, fascinated Castiel. When Sam had applied as a cadet that spring, for the following autumn, Castiel had sponsored him with the admissions board himself. 

Dean couldn't get out of the suffocating structured lifestyle fast enough, but Castiel had stayed near the academy while he attended university classes there, and he and Dean had shared an apartment off campus. Castiel completed basic and officer training, and got his degree, and all the while, he watched as Sam became an incredibly capable, confident student, with self-discipline that every CO wanted to see. By the time Sam was eighteen, and the older boys were twenty-two, it was all over for Castiel. 

“Stop you right there.”

Castiel had stood at attention as though he were being inspected. He tried to remind himself to breathe. He looked straight ahead, as if an officer were staring him down instead of his best friend of nearly six years. He felt lightheaded and a little surreal, the way he did after completing the toughest swims in training. 

“Are you telling me you're in love with my kid brother?”

He couldn't swallow. His chest wouldn't allow him to take a full breath. His uniform felt wrong. He wanted to brush himself off. He didn't look his best, in spite of his usual crisp, polished appearance. He wished he had looked at his hair. He needed a cut. 

“Cas?”

His tongue was dry, and he was terrified his voice would crack in a way it hadn't since he was fourteen. Dean, the best friend he would kill or die for, was about to tell him he wasn't good enough for that beautiful man he called brother, and Castiel was going to die inside. 

“Hart!”

His gaze snapped to Dean, and he forced a breath into stubborn lungs. “Yes,” he pushed out. “Yes, I'm...I am in love with Sam. And-and no matter how hard I try to pretend I'm not, it's there, it's part of me, and I can't make it stop.” That wasn't how this was meant to go. He had practiced what to say for two days. It was meant to sound confident, not like an apology. But now that the moment was there, and he was staring at a future in which Dean loathed him and Sam was out of reach forever…

“Dude.” Dean shrugged at him. “Are you, like, just now getting this?”

He blinked several times, against burning tears. Then he frowned. “What?”

The look Dean was giving him, as though he thought his friend was an idiot, wasn't as unfamiliar as Castiel wished it were. It was pretty much Dean's default way of looking at him. “So you're what? Asking my permission to court Sam?”

“No, I…” He sighed. “Dean, I know you probably think I don't have any business even approaching your brother, but I-I have prepared a few things for you to consider-”

Dean had burst into laughter. When the mechanic finally came up for air, he spared no mercy teasing his friend, but in the end, Castiel understood. “Dude? The kid’s in love with you. Like stupidly in love with you. I've assumed for years that you were going to be Sammy's end game. Never really occurred to me you wouldn't. Go on. I bless you, my son. Go get him, tiger.”

Castiel had received a less sarcastic, teasing response from Sam. He had arrived at Sam's room in uniform, trembling on the inside. He was fearless in combat training, knew exactly how to push his every muscle beyond its limit. But standing there in Sam's doorway that night had scared the hell out of him. 

“Cas!” Sam smiled brightly. 

His heart pounded. “You always seem happy to see me,” he breathed. 

The boy had laughed at that. “Because I am. Come on in. Dean with you?”

“No. It's just me.” He prayed that was enough. He followed Sam into the tiny dorm room, and licked at his pink lips nervously. 

Sam was wearing his most ragged pair of jeans, with one of Dean's old concert tee shirts stretching across his thick chest, and bare toes sticking out from the comfortable denim. It was so delicious to see him out of uniform. He knew Sam did not intend to pursue a career in the military. He would be good at it, no doubt, but, like Dean, he wanted more freedom than that. The Winchester boys were lethal in uniforms, but they were truly wild things on the inside, and didn't belong caged in that rigid life. 

Sam had already missed several mandatory haircuts. He was leaving the school for college in a few weeks, and it was his way of indulging in a tiny rebellion before leaving. Castiel wanted to reach up and tuck that little tuft of soft mane behind his ear. 

“So what's up? You need something?”

He snorted softly. “Yes,” he sighed. “But I'm not sure you'll be able to help me.”

Sam turned to watch him curiously. He had been moving to sit at his desk chair, but now he lowered himself to his bunk, and gestured for Castiel to do the same. “You know I'll try.”

Affection warmed his heart. “I know you would. You're a good man, Sam Winchester.”

“Cas, what's wrong?”

He looked into those worried eyes, wondering if he was about to destroy a lovely friendship. He felt tired suddenly. “Sam, we've been friends a long time.”

Sam's smile was everything to Castiel. “Yeah, I guess. I mean, I still think of you as Dean's buddy.” Pink crept onto his cheeks. “But I like to think...I don't know, that you don't see me as just the annoying little brother anymore,” he laughed. 

Firstly, there was no longer anything little about Sam. Castiel had watched him grow from a sweet, skinny, cute kid with a mischievous smirk to a strong, beautiful young man who filled out his uniform and Dean's tee shirts all too well. The physical demands of the school had been good to Sam, and everyone in the vicinity had noticed. But he had focused himself on academics, and never seemed to pursue any romantic endeavors whatsoever. 

Could Dean's assessment be correct? Could Sam have been waiting for him?

Castiel took another shaky breath, and pushed forward. “I have never seen you that way,” he promised with sincerity. “I've always enjoyed your company. And in the past year, I have found that...that I look forward to it. Perhaps more than I should.”

Sam suddenly appeared anxious. “Cas, is this-What are you…”

“Sam…” He sighed and closed his eyes in frustration. He had to just say it. There was no way to do it but that. On cold mornings, he made himself dive into the water, because it was better than wading in. This was no different. In either situation, he could potentially drown. “Sam, I've been in love with you for about two years now. And I know you're leaving, and I just can't let you go without telling you.”

His friend stared. His lovely lips parted in surprise. 

Castiel tried to swallow. “You don't-don't have to-I just needed you to know. You're such an incredible man, a beautiful man, and you're everything anyone could ask for in-in a friend. You should just...know that.” For some reason, his eyes were filling with tears, and he stumbled to his feet in humiliation. “I should go.” 

Sam caught his elbow before he could reach the door. 

He turned slowly, blinking against his ridiculous, wayward emotion. “I should go,” he croaked out voicelessly. 

“You should stay,” Sam corrected. He was smiling now, and in that smile, Castiel found his future and his happiness, and everything good in the world, everything that would ever be worth fighting for. 

They made love that first night. 

Sam's long body stretched out before him in a way that made Castiel sigh out reverence and awe and gratitude between every touch and kiss. He cherished those incredible arms, and worshipped the chest he had freed from the confines of the shirt that had teased him with its inability to hide the power beneath. His hands were giddy, relishing the chance to run relentlessly over tight skin and hard muscle. His every movement was coupled with praise, until Sam was blushing and trembling everywhere. 

Being inside Sam was exactly as euphoric as Castiel had imagined, and at the same time, far better than anything he had ever thought he could feel. He moved slowly. It had to be worship. It had to be love. He had to stare into his lover's eyes, searching for every way he could bring him pleasure. He had to soothe any pain or fear before it manifested. Sam deserved to feel nothing but waves of warmth and ecstatic bliss. Castiel wanted to make a lifelong study of how to bring this good man rapturous gratification. 

Stroking Sam through a shaking orgasm ripped Castiel's from him, and they both cried out. 

Then, as Sam blinked at him, Castiel gently cleaned them both up with a cloth and warm water from the sink, and covered Sam's cooling, sweaty limbs with the issue blanket. “What can I do for you, Sam?” he asked at last. “Tell me what I can do. Tell me how to deserve you.”

Tears streamed from Sam's eyes immediately. “Hold me,” he whispered. “I'm afraid I'll wake up.”

Castiel shook his head. “I'll be here when you do. I'll watch over you.”

Sam allowed his eyes to close, and he gripped Castiel tightly. It was too soon, and they were too young, to know that their love would become so strong that it could withstand thousands of miles of separation and hundreds of nights without one another's heat. Back then, each was afraid to let the other go, lest he never felt him again. It would take years before they understood that each was a permanent part of the other.


	3. Not a hunter

Sam loved the new house. After living in base units his whole adult life, this seemed like a castle. Dean had helped him move everything in to avoid the inevitable situation in which Castiel tried to do so in spite of his injuries, and ended up hurting himself worse. 

By his third day at home, however, Castiel was making himself crazy, and Sam was beginning to wish he had left something for him to do. 

“Cas, I got this. Okay? Look, go relax. You've earned some downtime. Watch some television or something.”

But that didn't go so well either. About twenty minutes into a show, he wandered back into the den.

Sam looked up from the finances. “Cas?”

“I'm going to be a hunter!”

He laughed, and leaned onto his palm. Only his husband could look so adorable when stating such a thing. 

But a moment later, Castiel realized he had never had any interest in harming animals, and wasn't sure he could do it. 

“Cas, you can go to the archery range or the rifle range anytime you want. Dean or I would go with you when we have time. Even Charlie when she's in town. Then you can keep up your marksmanship without hurting Bambi.”

“That isn't productive,” he muttered. “I want to do something productive.” He shrugged. “And of course I'll go to the range. I just need something else.”

“I know, man. But it's only been a few days! Don't get discouraged. I like having you in the house.” He tapped on his calculator and scribbled a note to himself about remembering to call the VA about Castiel's medical bills. 

Castiel was watching him quietly. “Do you?”

Sam frowned at the laptop screen, wondering where he had filed the last statement regarding Castiel's benefits. He was usually so meticulous. Why did he suddenly feel so disorganized? At this rate, Castiel was going to think he didn't know what he was doing. “Hm?” he murmured, as he set his glasses straight on his nose. 

His husband took a step back. “You're busy. I'll…” But there didn't seem to be any right way to end that sentence, so he let it hang there. 

“Did you need something?”

“No. Just hoping you did.”

It took several beats for those words to sink into Sam's brain, and by the time they did, his husband had wandered back out of the room. He set his glasses down and stood to follow. 

Castiel was staring out the window at nothing in particular, when Sam put his arms around his waist. He smiled back at him. “I've been thinking a lot about back then,” he murmured. 

Sam kissed the back of his head, and took hold of the man's hand to lead him to their garden bench outside. He had loved this bench as soon as he had seen it, imagining them sitting there together in the evenings. But he hadn't even had a chance to show Castiel yet. 

He sighed happily at it. “That's nice,” he said. “I like that. The bench, I like it. Did we have it before?”

Warmth filled him all over. “No. I got it the day we closed on the home. I thought you'd like it.”

“I do.” 

They sat quietly for a few minutes, simply enjoying the peace around them. In a few hours, the kids would be home, laughing and needing attention. And Sam really did need to catch up on his paperwork. But for now, he wanted to simply be glad his husband was home and safe. 

“It needs a shade tree,” Castiel said after a while. 

“You can pick out whatever you like.”

“A fruit tree. What grows well in this part of Texas?”

“I don't know. Maybe a fig tree?”

It was such a delight to see those blue eyes widen with excitement. “A fig tree! Sam, let's plant fig trees!”

He laughed. “Okay, but they grow huge. We would need to be careful where we put it-”

“Figs,” Castiel sighed with a smile. “Birds and bees love figs!”

“Yeah. And bats.”

The eyes were huge now. “Bats? Really? Sam, we’re planting fig trees!”

It was hard not to fall in love with him every time he got that ecstatic look on his face. Sam kissed him. “Yes, Cas. Just don't get too carried away, all right? We have a little land here, but-”

The eyes closed. “Sam? We have land.”

Pleasure tightened his chest. He kissed Castiel softly. “Yeah, angel. We do.”

“We’ve worked hard for this.”

“Yeah. We have.”

The handsome face fell into a frown suddenly. “Sam? You're sure we can afford this on your income?”

“You're getting your benefits. It's not just me.”

“No, I know. I just mean...you're sure it's enough?”

He touched his face. “Cas, yes. I'm sure. We put aside a lot in the years before the kids. And the consulting and contracts I do are enough now. If we had tried this ten years ago, I don't know. But I get good work now, and I have several senior partners who field stuff to me.”

“You're not sorry you're not one of them, are you? You could have been.”

Sam frowned. “No, of course I'm not sorry. I'd be making more, but I'd never see you or the kids. And I don't know how old you think I am, but I haven't been in this long enough to be a senior corporate attorney yet.”

At last, Castiel laughed. “I didn't mean that. I just meant, on that path. I know you've made sacrifices in your career for the sake of mine. And I just wonder if you ever…”

“I'm happy with what I do. It's challenging enough to be interesting to me, and being able to do it all from my home office at least three days a week is really nice. Made it easy on the bases, and now it's nice to be able to sit in my nice den office in our nice new home with my nice newly civilized husband nearby.”

It made him snicker every time Sam said it. “Am I civilized yet?” he wondered, as he wrapped his arms around him. 

Sam shook his head. “No. I'm still married to a SEAL. And we need to talk about that.”

The serious tone got Castiel's attention, and he nodded slowly. “Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, angel. But look.” He stood and stepped away from the bench toward where he suspected a fig would soon grow, then turned back. “Cas, you're going to need some time. Okay? You're wanting to jump right in, and I just don't think that's a good idea. It isn't realistic.”

Castiel swallowed hard, and leaned back on the bench. “I'm sorry. I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing...what I'm supposed to be.” He spoke softly, and stared down at his hands while he did. “I've always known what I was. I was Navy. Now…”

Emotion caught in his throat as he saw how lost Castiel truly felt. He lowered himself to kneel beside him, and took his hands. “I know, angel-”

“You don't know.”

And that was fair. So Sam said nothing. 

Castiel always carefully tasted his words before delivering them at times like this. He was wary of being misunderstood, of upsetting Sam. “I don't know what I am anymore. I built everything on being the best at what I did.”

“And you were! You know how many men try and fail at what you did all those years! It's the most elite fighting force in the world, and that's not just the recruiting poster. I've been so proud to be a SEAL spouse, Cas. I'm still proud. And when your kids are old enough to really get it? They're going to be proud too.”

“And what am I now?” he asked hoarsely. “Because SEAL was my identity for so long...Sam, please. Please, when I say this, don't...I need you to listen without being hurt by this. God, I don't want you to be hurt by this.”

“Tell me.”

Tears sparkled in those eyes. “When I was injured, I know I should have been excited to come home to you and the kids permanently. And-and I was, I am, but…”

Cold came over him then. “You didn't want to come home.”

“No! Sam, I did! But-but that isn't what I...Of course I wanted to be here! I'm just terrified that this isn't where I belong! I belong with my team. What if...Sam, what if I can't transition? That happens, you know. Guys get stuck in this Purgatory, where they can't quite make it back to the real world, and they're just ghosts haunting their families. I don't want to be that. I'm so afraid of being that!”

Sam surged forward to wrap his sailor in his arms and hold him tight. Sobs clawed their way out of Castiel's throat, and Sam wished he could absorb the pain and worry into himself to relieve Castiel of it. 

“I don't want to be that,” he said again, in a hoarse whisper. 

“We will figure this out, Cas. Okay? You're doing just what you should be right now. You're talking to me, letting me know what you're feeling.”

“It hurts.”

He closed his eyes. “I know it does. But it's what they said was the most important part of transitioning to civilian life, right? Talking to your family. Not hiding how you're feeling, even when you want to. I'm proud of you, Cas.”

“I'm trying. I'm really trying, Sam.”

“I know. And I love you for it. You're doing what you need to do in order to take care of us. You're good to me, Cas.”

At last, Castiel transferred his weight to Sam, and let himself simply cry without fighting it. “It's all I want,” he wept. “It's all I ever wanted. And I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be able to be what you need me to be. What Henry and Dee need me to be…”

“You're already what we need, angel. And that isn't going to change.”

“I think about back then.”

Sam smiled and pushed himself back to look into those tired eyes. Back then was always their first years together. Back when they were still kids. 

“Do you remember the day I first told you I loved you?”

“Of course.”

He sniffed and nodded. “I had asked for Dean's approval first. And I had practiced what I would say, promises I would make about my plans to take care of you, to give you anything, to do anything to ensure that you were happy. I had my combat training to prove that I could protect you. I had my contract to prove I could provide for you. And now I have none of that. I'm not even forty, and I'm already useless. Everything I know how to do is over.”

Sam sighed. He put a hand through his husband's hair. “Cas, first of all? There's no injury in the world that would keep you from protecting me or our kids if you had to. Second? I don't care how much things change; you're still the man I want at my side when things go south. You and Dean? I could handle the Apocalypse if you two were there to support me. So please never say that you're useless.”

Castiel was quiet. 

“And, Cas, if you need something, let's talk about it. Because it isn't what I need or what the kids need. We're fine. We're better than we've ever been. But you need something, and that makes it important. So let's sit on this bench next to our future fig tree and spend all afternoon talking about what you want to do. You're not going to be a SEAL. And you're not going to be a hunter. So what do you think would make you happy?”


	4. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Something

The rappel into cold seawater was no one’s favorite part of any marine operation. Cole and Kit smiled grimly at him. “Hooyah,” they sighed as one voice.

Castiel grinned ferally, feeling his adrenaline rushing. “First one in the water drinks free.”

Vincent snorted his conceit. “I'll warm the waters for you bitches.”

Benny sneered back. “If we're playing for Hart’s money, I'll be belly to the bar before ya’ll even get your paws wet.”

Another snort came from Jake, the youngest on the team. “Old man, you even feel the cold anymore?”

This earned him a smirk from Benny. “Son, I haven't taken a hot shower since I was nineteen.”

“We can smell that,” Cole laughed.

“And nineteen? That was what? Twenty-five, thirty years ago?”

Benny glared at Vincent. “Seems longer every minute I spend with you.”

Castiel took a breath. “Okay. We’re near the drop. Masks. Final checks. Andrew?”

“I'm kicking out six? I'm picking up six,” their chopper pilot promised. “Kick ass, boys.”

Vincent and Benny touched one another's shoulders very briefly. Castiel might have the command, but these two men had been together longer than any of them. Cole and Kit checked over Jake without letting the kid see they were doing so, Castiel noticed. These men trusted one another completely, but Jake was new to the team, and there wasn't any room for learning on the job. So far, Jake was proving to be meticulous.

“Here's to the pursuit of life, liberty and Hart’s drinking money,” Vincent said soberly.

Benny snickered.

“Hooyah,” they all agreed.

The last thing Castiel did as he prepared to jump was speak to Sam silently in his head. “Know that I do everything I do in order to make you proud, beloved. Send me your courage, and I'll be strong for you. If I don't make it back, forgive me, and know I love you with all my heart. It's been my greatest honor to watch over you.” He raised his bare ring finger, and brushed his lips over the small black tattoo which represented his wedding band when he was out on a mission and left it behind, secure among his personal effects. The band would be sent to Sam if he died in service, along with a few other items, including a note which contained those same words.

***

Castiel watched as Sam opened the sealed envelope, and all his breath rushed out at once.

Sam looked up at him. “Are you all right?” he asked quietly.

He swallowed with difficulty. “I've tried to imagine you breaking that seal my whole career,” he whispered. “I've prayed every day that you never would.”

“Me too. You're sure you want me to read it?”

“Please. The, um...the doctor suggested it might help.” He cleared his throat as it threatened to tighten closed. “It might help me to feel like I'm truly done and truly…”

Sam spoke up when he couldn't finish. “Safe, Cas. Truly done and truly safe.”

“It sounds like cowardice when it's put that way,” he snapped. Then he flinched. “I'm sorry.”

“Hey! No. No, it doesn't mean that at all. Am I a coward for wanting you to be safe?”

“That's different,” he ground out. “I didn't leave the Navy because I was afraid. I've been on so many missions in direct heat, and-”

Sam touched his face, the way he did when he knew Castiel needed his strength. Somehow that didn't make him feel weak. It made him feel the way he always had when Benny winked or when Cole nodded, when Vincent smirked. It was a feeling of being supported by a teammate.

It was like Andy giving the headcount, whether they were on a training or a combat mission. Kicking out four, picking up four, as if that left no doubt in anyone's mind that every member of the team would be returning to base that day. It was an order, that a full roster was the only acceptable outcome. It was as if it was so simply because Andy had said it was so. Kicking out eight, picking up eight.

Teammates. Sam would always be his greatest teammate. When he felt the touch, he let it stop him, let it soothe him. “Cas, I've been afraid for every single one of those missions, and everything in between. When you didn't call after that last mission, I waited a day and a half before I knew you were alive. You being home and safe isn't what you wanted for your career, but it's what we both want for our family.”

He made himself nod. “Henry still won't…”

Sam sighed. “It's only been two weeks, Cas. We're getting there. Dee adores you. And you know Henry is always watching you. When you called him sailor yesterday, like you used to do when we chatted with you online, did you see his little chest puff up?”

A softness seeped in, and let his throat loosen enough for him to speak through his emotion. “Did it?”

He laughed gently. “Yeah, man. It really did. Cas, this is all just a new mission, okay? And we need you as badly as the Navy ever did. I'm so proud of everything you've done. But I'm not going to stop being proud of you because you're truly done.”

“And truly safe,” Castiel added.

“Yeah. That's the deal. Mission parameters. Cas, your last jump nearly cost me my husband. And yet you're more afraid of being home with me and the kids than being assigned another beach to swim to.”

Castiel gave a short laugh. He shrugged. “You're not...”

“I'm not wrong, am I?” Sam laughed with him.

“No. Anything could go wrong any minute of any mission. But the objectives are clear. What we have to do to achieve them could change a thousand times but the objectives don't change. And that's what I don't have here, Sam. I need objectives. Daily and weekly objectives. I have goals. But that's not the same thing.”

Sam was trying to understand, and bless him for that, since Castiel didn't think he understood himself. “Okay. Explain the difference.”

“I have goals. For myself, for our marriage and family. I want to make you happy, and take some burden from you. For all our lives, all I've had to worry about is my job. You've taken care of everything else. I don't know if I really truly realized that until I saw that bench.”

Surprise lit Sam's eyes. “Out in the garden?”

He nodded. “Sam, you've managed to turn every place we've ever lived into a home. For me, for the kids. When we lived in base housing, I thought of it as providing a home for us. But that was a house. I ensured we always had a house. And you've always been my home.”

His husband sighed with pleasure. “Castiel? I don't think there's anything you could ever say to me that would make me happier than that.”

“It means everything. Some guys I was with a long time, they didn't have that. Benny, Vince. I can't even imagine how lost I would be right now if I hadn't come home...to a home.”

There was that soft touch of support again. He adored it. “Tell me about goals and objectives,” Sam reminded him.

He explained as well as he could that he knew what he wanted for his family, but didn't have any clear ideas about what he could do on a daily basis to help.

Miraculously, in spite of his stumbling over words, Sam understood. Sam always seemed to understand what Castiel was trying to say. “A few days after you moved in, I asked you what you wanted to do. What would make you happy. You promised you would think about it, and talk to your doctor about realistic expectations. Did you?”

Castiel nodded. “I've been thinking a lot. And I still don't know. But maybe…” He felt a wave of anxiety flood over him. If simply thinking about this made him so nervous, why was he even considering it? “I was trying to think of something I could do to help people. I like helping people. And I wonder if…”

Sam was watching him curiously.

“I'm interested in teaching,” he pushed out in a breath.

His husband's eyes widened. “Teaching? Really?”

His heart began pounding. “Maybe. Not-not like math or history. I mean teaching things like self-defense and swimming for survival and CPR and things like that. Disaster preparedness, first aid. Adults and kids. Both. Is that-is that something I could...I mean, I can just pick up a job somewhere. I'll do anything, any work that would help out. But if we're really talking about what would make me happy…”

Sam was an incredibly handsome man. He was thinner than he had been when they were first married, and there was the occasional silver glint in his soft, beautiful mane now. But the man had aged so well. When they had found their children, first Henry, then Deanna Celeste, as babies, Sam had made the Navy wives on the base swoon on sight with the way he had cared for them. Castiel had never recovered from his initial infatuation, and there wouldn't come a day when he wasn't entirely in awe of his partner. The man was stunning, and when he smiled at Castiel that way, with eyes full of fondness, Castiel's heart burst with love for him.

“You think I could?” he whispered again.

“I think you should, angel.”

Relief set in like a warm blanket. “That's an objective,” he said happily. “That's something I can work toward.”

“I'm happy to help.”

Castiel grabbed him into a kiss. His heart was still pounding, but this time it was excitement and not anxiety. He pulled Sam in tight. “I love you. God, I just love you, Sam. You're my home, and I'm glad to be here. I promise I am.”

“Just having you here is what completes this picture in my head of the perfect world.” He held up the note again. “Should we put this away?”

“No,” Castiel said firmly. “It's meant to be closure. It symbolizes a life when we could never be sure we would be together again. Read it. Then we can celebrate that you never got it in the mail, and move on to our next objectives.”

They were quiet while Sam read the words Castiel had written in hopes of comforting his spouse if the time came. Tears filled Sam's eyes, but he smiled at the end. “I am proud of you, angel.” He lifted Castiel's left hand and kissed his ring. Then he slipped it off and kissed the tattoo. “Thank you for coming home safe to me.”

“Thank you for being my safe home.”

Their foreheads touched gently.


	5. The One Where He Laughs

Sam was watching them, and trying not to look as though he were watching them. He continued folding Dee’s little clothes, and pretended to be absorbed in that chore. 

Henry was sidling up to his father while he read to Dee. The boy was in Castiel's periphery, but he hadn't yet committed to sitting and listening to the story. 

Dee giggled happily. “Papa!” she exclaimed. “A girl bunny!”

Castiel looked at her. “That's what I said.”

She fell into breathless laughter in his arms. “Girl! she insisted. “Bunny is a girl!”

“Yes, well, I hope so. They named the poor thing Collette. It would be confusing if-”

“Not a boy!”

Castiel was adorably exasperated. “Yes, honey, I know it's a girl bunny!”

“She wants you to do a girl voice,” Henry informed him. 

He glanced up at his son. “A girl voice? Oh. You think the bunny should sound more like a girl?” he asked Dee. 

She nodded. “Because she's a girl!”

“Okay. Uh…” Castiel cleared his throat and began again, in a high-pitched parody of his normal speaking voice. “‘Don't eat vegetables from my garden! I grew them myself.’ Better?”

This time, both children exploded into giggles, and Henry gave up the aloof pretense and plopped down next to them. “That's not a girl voice,” he snickered. “That's just a funny, silly voice. A girl voice is like ‘I grew them myself!’”

“Tell you what. I'll read the other parts, but, Hank, you read the boy bunny, and Dee can read the girl bunny.”

“I don't know all the words. And Dee-Dee doesn't know any!”

“I know words!” the little girl insisted. 

Sam chuckled quietly. 

“Okay, I'll tell you what they say. Ready?”

He listened to his husband reading and prompting the children, as the bunnies learned to share from their gardens, and he wondered if there was anything more lovely in the whole world than his little family. 

“You read in the computer,” Henry said quietly when they were finished. 

Sam looked up. 

Dee flipped through the pages of the story, babbling to herself, repeating the words she could remember and making up the rest. 

“What do you mean?”

Henry sighed with sudden frustration. “You read my stories. In the computer.”

“The videos,” Sam prompted. 

Castiel smiled then. “Oh. Yes. Hank’s story time. You liked those?”

“They're my favorite.” The little boy looked away, as if he was loathe to admit that he had hung on his absent father's every word in those videos. 

Sam sighed. It reminded him so much of Dean, the way Henry tried not to show every emotion he felt. “Henry? Papa read stories to you on the computer, and we saved them. Do you think you'd like to watch one?”

The little eyes lit up hungrily. “I can still watch?”

Castiel was frowning. “But, Henry, I'm right here. I can read you something right now.”

“My storytime,” he insisted, and popped off the bed to move to Sam's desk chair. 

Sam smiled sadly. “Because that's the papa he's had at bedtime for a lot of his life, Cas,” he whispered. “Go on. Go watch it with him. Those videos are everything to him.”

“But I'm right here!” Castiel breathed back. 

“And he's trying to connect the papa he loved his whole life with this new one. Go watch with him so he can bridge the two. This isn't like being home between deployments, Cas. This is different, and he knows that. He wants to be sure that you're the same papa he's watched every night you were gone.”

With that, he moved to the desk to open a video file inside the folder marked “Henry's stories.” 

“Which do you want tonight, kiddo?”

Henry pointed. “It's my favorite,” he said again. 

Castiel sat on his heels beside the boy to see. “That one? Why that one?”

The child watched the screen instead of turning to his father. “It's the one when he laughs,” he said quietly. 

Sam checked that Dee was still occupied, and then turned to watch as he opened the file. 

Castiel's face appeared, but he wasn't looking at the camera yet. He was grinning at a buddy behind him. “Stop! I'm recording for Hank.”

“That's me,” the boy said with a happy smile. 

Castiel shook his head, and turned to focus on the camera. He smiled. “Hey, Henry! I hope Dee-Dee is already in bed, and you're being a good boy for Daddy. Tell Daddy that Papa loves him so much, and we’ll talk tomorrow on the phone, okay?”

“Okay,” Henry responded. 

Sam watched his husband turn to stare at his son. 

“So I got a new book for Hank’s storytime. It's all about you and Dee. Well, not exactly, but it's a lot like your story. So listen, and I think you'll see how it's about you.”

“It's about you found me,” Henry murmured, but still to the Castiel on the screen. 

“It's about how Daddy and I found you, and brought you home to be our son. Ready? It's called ‘You Grew in Our Hearts.’”

The three of them watched as Castiel read the story about adoption, about how two parents loved one another, but their hearts were so big that they needed a child to love. So they went to bring one home, and it was the sweetest baby in the world. The baby made their hearts grow even larger.

“That's why Dee-Dee,” Henry whispered. 

Castiel closed the book. “And that's why we needed Dee-Dee. Because you made Papa and Daddy so happy and made our hearts grow so big we needed one more to make us a whole family. So when you were ready, we brought home Dee too. And now you're the best big brother ever. I'm so proud of you, little sailor. You're Papa’s best treasure.”

There was a commotion behind the man, and he turned to look. He began to laugh. “Benny! Knock it off! I'm recording for Hank!” He burst into another round of laughter, then turned back to the camera. “Henry, I can't wait to come home to you and Dee and Daddy. The people here make Papa laugh, but nobody makes me happier than you. Okay, sailor. Time to sign off. Give me a salute.”

Henry leapt from the chair to stand at attention and salute the screen. 

“Good boy. Go tell Daddy I love him. And Dee too when she wakes up. Be good for Daddy. I'll be home to hug you soon.”

The screen went blank, and Henry made a tiny whimpering noise in the silence. It cut through Sam's heart. 

“Daddy?”

“Yeah, baby.”

“Papa loves you.”

Sam tried to smile. 

There was just a second of hesitation, then Henry whirled and fell into Castiel's arms, and began to sob. 

Castiel closed his eyes and held him tight. “I love you, little sailor. I'm so proud of you. Thank you for taking care of Daddy and Dee for me till I could get home.”

“I tried.”

The small voice sent shards of Sam's heart into his throat. 

“You did great, sailor. And now it's time to stand down.”

Heavy teardrops rolled down the boy's cheeks, and he tightened his grip around his father's neck. “I like hugs, Papa,” he cried. 

Castiel smiled. “So do I.”

Sam sat on the bed next to Dee, and took a shuddered breath. He smiled shakily when Castiel met his eyes. “You did great, sailor. You can stand down.”

“Yes, sir,” his husband said.


	6. What We Are Now

Dean returned to the table with three beers, and passed them around to his brothers. “Drink up. It's a good day.”

Castiel smiled up at Dean. “Thank you for everything.”

“Your hard work, buddy. I just pitched in to get it going.”

“That's not true. You've been with me since moment one.”

Dean smirked. “Was that around the time you fell ass over tea kettle for my little dorky brother?”

Sam glowered at him. “I think he meant more recently than that.”

“Thank you for your support back then too,” Castiel laughed. “I was certain you were going to be angry.”

“I was, but it's a really slow burn. Give it a few more years, and I'll finally explode and kick your ass.”

Castiel gave him a snort. “Should have done it back then.”

“He can kill you with his little finger, dude.”

“It's true. You can't pass the final SEAL test without showing that you can do that.”

Dean snickered into his bottle. “I'll pass on the demonstration. So? Opening day on Monday. You ready?”

Castiel sighed happily. “I'm ready. I've got two full classes registered. CPR and first aid, and natural disaster prep. I'm excited.”

“He's rewritten his curriculum notes fifteen times.”

“I'm polishing them, Sam. Dean, are you sure you're still absolutely on board for the roadside portion?”

Dean looked at Sam in exasperation. “That's four.”

Sam snorted, and drank his beer.

“Cas, if I am anything, I'm a man of my word. I committed to teaching a course on roadside emergency twice a month and I will. If I could get every woman I ever knew to learn to check her own oil and change a tire, and use jumper cables, I could cut my worrying down by ninety percent. There are a lot of men who could benefit from it too, but they probably won't fill classes. Women are smart enough to acknowledge they don't know something. Dudes will pretend they do. And the fewer ladies who wait on the side of the road till a guy can come help, the better.”

Castiel nodded. “That was my thinking. And I hope men will sign up, but your first class has sixteen women registered so far.”

“Tell you one thing. Deanna grows up, she's going to be teaching the boys about cars, not waiting for them to help. I'm gonna make damn sure of that.”

Sam was smiling at Dean fondly. “Every uncle has to have something to teach, right?”

“If I can make this all work…” Castiel beamed with pride. “Dean, I heard from a good buddy of mine two nights ago. He's retiring from service soon. And he said he doesn't know where he's going to go or what he's going to do. But he doesn't want to end up at a desk, and that's probably where he's going to be if he stays much longer. My friend Benny, remember?”

He nodded. “Yeah, you've mentioned him. Sounds like a good guy.”

“He's one of the best. You're going to love him. If he can get his papers in the next year or so, I told him I'd give him work at the center. He got really excited about it. It would make this whole thing perfect if I could offer a job to Benny doing what he's good at. I would be so proud to be able to give him that.”

Sam listened and smiled to himself. Everything had come into focus with this business idea. Sam had researched everything he could think of, and they had finally decided it would be best to register the center as a non-profit. They didn't need to make a lot of money from it. So long as it covered its own costs and Castiel's salary and benefits, and he could pay other instructors as needed, there was no need for profit. Once they had found the location and designed it, Castiel had approached local law enforcement, the fire department, schools, hospitals and senior centers to let them know about inexpensive safety courses he would be offering. His experience as a SEAL was impressive, and with the website their friend Charlie-Deanna Celeste’s godmother-created for them, it wasn't long before his initial classes were filled. Sam was pleased with the progress, and confident that the center would be financially solvent. Castiel was thrilled to be preparing to help people again. It had been a long time since he had thrown himself into a project like this, and it suited him. Those blue eyes were sparkling all the time now. Even the kids had noticed.

“So you're certain you can do it?”

Dean blinked at his brother. “That's five. You owe me a beer.”

Castiel frowned as his husband burst into laughter. “What? Why? What's five?”

“The number of times you've checked that I'm really on board with this since we started our first round. Dude, am I just unreliable? You think I'm going to flake on you?”

His blue eyes widened. “No! No, of course not. You're definitely reliable. It isn't that. I just want to be sure you really have the time and desire to do it. I would feel guilty to find out later that you were only doing it-”

“Because I'm supporting my brother-in-law in his new adventure? Yeah. Well, you can relax. I got time. And I want to do this. I always liked teaching new guys their way around an engine. This is better, because it's important. So quit asking if I'm going to bail on you. I never have.”

Sam watched as gratitude and devotion softened Castiel's face. “No. You've always been a good, true friend, Dean. You being ordered by a judge to attend a military school was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Dean nodded. “Glad to oblige. It was better than the alternative, and I got my brother a souvenir, so all good.”

“Some souvenir, dude,” Sam laughed. “That's how you see my entire adult life? As something you got me while you were at boarding school?”

“Just saying. I'm a damn good big brother.”

“You truly are,” Castiel said without irony. “And thank you for everything you did for Sam and my kids when I was away. I can never repay anything you've ever done for me.”

Dean smiled a little, and Sam could tell he was becoming uncomfortable with the attention. But he shrugged. “You watch over my little brother, and those kids. We're even.”

Sam sent his brother a smile of thanks, and drank his beer in peaceful quiet.

***

It was still worship when Castiel touched him. Sam had thought perhaps that would fade over the years, but it never had. Sometimes it was laughing, teasing worship, or sleepy, sweet worship. But there was always a sense of awe and gratitude, even now.

Sam had spent the day watching his husband teaching Henry to swim while Dee slept happily on his lap on the lake dock under the umbrella, worn out from her own lessons with Papa. Henry’s delighted laughter and Castiel's patient encouragement was music to Sam. They had all agreed that they should make day trips to this lake every possible weekend. Just seeing how happy it made Castiel to be back in the water, and how much the children loved playing with him, made Sam entirely content.

And now the kids were hard asleep in their beds, and Castiel was still beaming with pleasure, and Sam thought he had never been more in love than in this moment.

Castiel moved slowly in him. They lay on their sides, Sam's back to Castiel's chest, and his head on Castiel's strong arm. The angle was lovely, and Sam could hear himself breathing quiet moans with each movement. His lover was whispering to him, filling his ears with praise and promise, just as surely as he filled Sam's body. Castiel kept his other hand busy, stroking Sam with the confidence that came from enjoying the same lover for many years. Heat was engulfing them both as Sam struggled to wait just a few more moments. He wasn't ready to leave this safe cocoon Castiel's body had made for him. But inevitably, the deep voice behind him, and the sure hand on him, along with the pleasure pressing into him, all worked together to push him over the edge, and he sighed out his orgasm. Immediately, as always, Castiel's muscles tightened around him, and he felt the release of his lover.

“I've missed you, angel,” he said through shallow breath.

Castiel hummed happily, and kissed the back of his neck. “Sam, I didn't know if I could do this. If I belonged here.”

He was quiet. He wanted to rush in and assure his husband that right there where he was, holding him, was exactly where he belonged. But he had to let go a little, let Castiel talk things out as slowly as he needed to.

The man kissed his neck again and then shifted to stand out of the bed.

Sam waited while the love of his life completed the task he had taken on as his duty since the first time they had made love, and cleaned them both with a warm washcloth and kisses.

At last, he lay down again and continued to speak. “Sam, I miss my work. I miss the brotherhood I had there, and the structure. I was needed there. But, beloved, I am so happy here. I see now how I can fit into our family. I have a brother in Dean, and maybe one day I'll get Benny back too. I have structure in the routines you've set for our kids, and, come Monday, I'll have classes too. And I've never felt…”

Tears stung his eyes as he forced himself to wait, to not swoop in and rescue his husband.

“Whenever I've been home in the past, I never felt like I was needed. You know?”

Sam cringed and his resolve failed. “Cas, no! Of course you-”

But the man shook his head and hushed him, and let his hand slip into Sam's hair. He combed through the hair lovingly. “I know I was wanted, Sam. And I'm grateful for that. I think part of me was always worried that you would one day lose interest. I've never really...I've been amazed every day since the first one that Sam Winchester still finds me worthy.”

The tears streamed out now, as he looked up at his strong, fearless sailor. “Don't you think I feel that way about you? Cas, I've been terrified that you were going to look around at this life and be-that you'd be...disappointed in me. In what I can offer. I've been eating my heart out every day since I knew you'd be home for good, and I haven't been able to relax, thinking you were going to find something wrong, something I've forgotten or…God, Cas, I've been self-conscious ever since you caught me wearing reading glasses! I go to put them on, and I find myself looking around to be sure you can't see!”

Castiel stared at him. “Sam, I told you those glasses looked good on you.”

He laughed, and the tears splashed out. “It isn't-Thank you. But it isn't that. I'm not the man you left behind in your first deployment. I'm not the kid you fell in love with at school all those years ago. I know you still love me, but what if...God, Cas, what if you were disappointed?”

Then he was being covered in kisses, and each one was punctuated with a promise. “I love you. I will always love you. I could never be disappointed in you. You are my soul, Sam. You made me a papa. Everything I am is because of you.”

Sam pulled him down to wrap his arms around him. In spite of his bulk, they rarely laid that way, with Castiel's head on his chest. It had always been more natural for them the other way around. But Sam wanted to lock the man into his arms right now, and never let go.

“I'm safe because of you,” Castiel whispered. “And I'm happy because of you.”

A stray tear made Sam's lips salty as he kissed Castiel's hand, gripped tightly into his own. “If ever you need something more…”

The sailor burst into laughter, and Sam could hear the emotion choking him. “I couldn't handle anything more than what I have. I feel wanted and needed, and you and Hank and Dee-Dee are everything I'll ever want and need. Neither of us are the same as we were back then, Sam. We're both smarter and more courageous than we were. I loved you with everything I was back then. But I love you even more now, because I'm more. You've built me stronger.”

“The Navy helped,” he teased.

“The Navy just used what you made of me. And now I'm going to use it for you and the kids. And that's the way it should be. We always dreamed we’d be together forever. I didn't expect forever to begin so soon. But I'm up for the adventure.”

“Hooyah.”

Castiel laughed, and reached up to kiss him. “I love you, Sam.”

“I love you, angel. Sleep now, sailor. It's my turn to watch over you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goodnight, my angel  
> Time to close your eyes  
> And save these questions  
> For another day.  
> I think I know what you've been asking me  
> I think you know what I've been trying to say.  
> I promised I would never leave you  
> And you should always know  
> Wherever you may go  
> No matter where you are  
> I never will be far away.  
> And like a boat out on the ocean  
> I'm rocking you to sleep  
> The water's dark and deep  
> Inside this ancient heart  
> You'll always be a part of me. 
> 
> ~Billy Joel


End file.
